National Party Enforces Mandatory Goatee Policy

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

The National Party of Australia are taking drastic action to prove that they haven’t gone soft.

While the Liberals remain stuck in a gridlock over whether or not the party should introduce gender quotas to increase their support amongst female voters, their coalition partners in the National Party have also introduced new mandates to ensure that they don’t lose touch with the base.

After facing accusations of carrying on like typical Canberra bureaucrats with their paralysis of action over Net Zero, the National Party needed to prove that they represented the interests of all regional Australians – not just the tax-dodging mining billionaires.

That means a diverse range of voters, none of whom look even remotely similar to the chino-wearing career politicians that make up the National Party’s shadow cabinet MPs.

Party leader David Littleproud says it’s time that the party acknowledged that there is more to rural Australia than the major agricultural operators and fossil fuels sector.

“It is true that the demographics are changing” said Littleproud

“The party must be making an effort to appeal to teachers, nurses, mechanics, policemen and women, farmers and lesbian social workers”

“The most obvious way to do this is to stop dressing like we belong in a corporate suite at a Waratahs match”

And it hasn’t taken long for action. Starting from this week, all Nationals MP must have goatees.

With the party’s leadership getting a head start on the new facial hair mandate, a new-look Littleproud was joined at a press conference in Parliament house today by former leader Barnaby Joyce MP and North NSW MP Kevin Hogan – both of whom were also sporting goatees.

These carefully stylised beards disgusts you media elites doesn’t they?” Littleproud said to the press gallery reporters.

“Good. That was the aim”

“Now, obviously we can’t order Bridgette McKenzie to grow a goatee – so our three female members have been ordered to get assymterical red and brunette two-tone hairstyles”

“Any blokes incapable of growing facial hair, like Michael McCormack, will be required to get either a lip ring or an eye-brow piercing”

“We want regional Australia to know we are representing them down here in Canberra!”