Nation Longs For A Time When Our Billionaires Just Played Polo And Breakdanced Instead Of Meddling In Populist Politics

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

There was a time in our history when the nation's billionaires were a simple mix of undiagnosed neurodivergence, anti-social behaviours, moral panache and a love of being outdoors.

It's a time the nation is longing for, according to a comprehensive study conducted by the Bjelke-Petersen School of Civics down at the South Betoota Polytechnic College.

While Kerry Packer was feared by many, he was also loved by the same amount. Despite being a bit of a freak, he was widely respected. More so than the effeminate and weird billionaires we have today. When he was doing bullying people for sport, Kerry played heaps of polo and had his own golf course at Ellerston. He had sporting teams and got pissed heaps. Aside from the great Nathan Tinkler, Kerry represented what many Australians would do if they were rich as all hell. Which is to simply enjoy yourself and donate modestly to both major parties at election time, because at the end of the day, they are both fucked in the head and full of massively unqualified people who've simply found the easiest way to money and power that doesn't involve actual work or study.

And there is Frank Lowy, who famously treated fans to an impromptu breakdance routine at some A-League final that would have been largely forgettable, were it not for the sight of a billionaire doing a spinarooney on the ground to Run DMC's 'Rock Box'.

He turned a shitbox in Western Sydney into a global property empire and for that, he's rightfully lauded as one of the great Australians. And he is. He just made a think tank for neoliberals to pull themselves silly in. It's a victimless waste of his own money, which is essentially sport. But he also did throw cash at sport, we paid for the A-League and paid for good players to come out from Europe, so punters weren't stuck watching replays of the Balkan War every Saturday night with the Croats and Serbs tackling each other until they found some Bosnians to gang up on.

These days, you have the opposite. All of our billionaires want to do shit that only thousandaires should be getting up to. You've got the richest woman in the world putting millions behind some fringe political party. The guys from Atlassian building a sky scraper out of wood, because they can't afford concrete. The Canva people just, you know, doing whatever it is they do when they're not keeping the people at Adobe up at night. Harry Triguboff is helping people who didn't listen very well in school get on the property ladder. Can one of them buy the Big Bash at least, for fuck's sake.

More to come.