Nation Just Happy Atlassian Man Finally Got A Bloody Haircut!

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Atlassian man Scott Farquhar tried and failed to explain what his business even does last night on 730 and did an even worse job of trying to quell speculation that the world’s tech billionaires are out to get us all.

Known for sporting a manbun, wearing black t-shirts and form fitting jeans, Atlassian man has long been the nation’s ambassador for all things tech. Both here and away from our island wedged here between the South Pacific and the mighty, mysterious Indian Ocean.

That fact has not been lost on the casual tech fan, who have had to watch on and cringe while Atlassian man spruiks our computer wares with a neat little birds nest perched upon his head.

However, last night on Australia’s only truely national news and current affairs programme, relief.

It seems that someone has finally got in Scott’s ear and told him to get a haircut and put a fucken shirt on.

Gone was the black t-shirt, gone was the effeminate manbun. In its place, a sensible haircut that you could set your watch to and a tasteful Tommy Bahama Hawaiian-style shirt that says both I’m here for business and I’m here for fun.

People on the street around our cosmopolitan desert community have welcomed the haircut and the collar, with one red-faced goon out the front of the Davis Street Liquorland saying it’s been a long time coming.

“If you’d asked me a week ago what I bloody thought out him, I’da [sic] said he can cover that Jira of his with canola oil and shove it up his own arse! Bloody private jet wanka! [sic] But now, now that he’s dressed like a Marine on shore leave in Pattaya, he’s all right by me!”

The goon’s sentiments were echoed by a woman enjoying a cigarette in the afresco dining area of the Remienko Airport Hungry Jacks.

“I reckon he’s hot,” she said, before spitting between her legs onto the tiled floor between her shoes.

“That colour looks good on him and I like a man who doesn’t dye his hair. He can check my oil any time.”

More to come.