Music Stops On 30-Year Energy Policy Musical Chairs And Albo Has Nowhere To Sit

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A nation that has spent three decades methodically removing chairs from the circle has expressed disappointment at the bloke left standing when the music stopped.

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has bore the brunt of public outrage this week after Australians discovered they live in a country that exports 97% of its own crude oil, imports 90% of what it actually needs, has 25 days of onshore diesel and is one blocked shipping lane away from the trucks stopping. The revelation has come as a shock to everyone except the authors of the four separate parliamentary inquiries that said exactly this, all of which were received with great seriousness and then placed in a filing cabinet that no one has opened since.

The Coalition, under whose watch four of the nation's six remaining refineries were shut down, has demanded to know why the government hasn't fixed things. Labor has pointed out the current Opposition Leader Angus Taylor was the energy minister when most of those closures happened. One Nation has pointed out that both sides are still trying to stop them from fishing poo out of their nappy and smearing it on their bedroom wall. Even Barnaby Joyce conceded the Coalition had "done the wrong thing" which was widely considered the most self-reflective soliloquy said in Parliament all year and was promptly ignored by everyone including himself.

Meanwhile, the country's strategic fuel reserve, which includes petrol currently floating on ships somewhere in the ocean, has been described by the Energy Minister Chris Bowen as being at its highest level in 15 years. This is technically true in the same way that a bloke with $40 in his savings account is at a personal best if he's spent the last decade in overdraft. The International Energy Agency recommends 90 days of reserves. Australia has had fewer than that since 2012 and has responded by commissioning another inquiry.

Parts of the Territory are now paying $4 a litre. Farmers are being rationed diesel. Regional servo owners are now relying on molten pies and freezing Vanilla Coke to stay afloat. But sources in Canberra have confirmed that the situation is under control, noting that the Prime Minister has been photographed looking concerned at some cultural event in Sydney's hellish western division.

More to come.