MONA’s David Walsh Recommences Gambling To Help Fund Tassie Devils’ New Stadium

JASON BARRY | Victorian Leg Tennis | Contact

In a scene witnesses say looked less like a government funding discussion and more like the opening of a B-grade Hollywood thriller, Tasmanian Premier Jeremy Rockliff reportedly travelled to MONA via the posh-pit ferry this week.

The bold trip was to convince David Walsh to restart his gambling career, in an attempt to bankroll the new Tassie Devils’ stadium.

The Advocate understands that, at first, Walsh declined, reclining in his leather-and-velvet chair under the unsettling glow of a digital projection—a slowly rotating cow carcass that hovered above him.

“Jeremy, I’m out of the game,” he allegedly said, flicking a poker chip across the room where it hit a taxidermised vagina hanging from the ceiling.

“Everyone knows I don’t gamble anymore.”

But Rockliff, facing mounting state debt, a hostile electorate, and a furious AFL headquarters, pressed on.

“David, this is bigger than both of us. The stadium… the Devils… the future of Tasmanian footy depends on it.”

Walsh smirked, shook his head whilst completing a Rubik’s Cube in under five seconds.

“What’s in it for me?”

“We’ll name one of the stands after you?” Rockliff offered.

Walsh simply laughed and, after cranking up the unsettling German experimental techno jazz he was already blaring from a speaker, viciously threw black tar across the canvas of what appeared to be the original Mona Lisa hanging on the wall.

“MONA says try again, Mr Premier,” Walsh murmured, shooing away a paid actor who had been waddling around the room like a duck and quacking intermittently for the last 45 minutes.

Rockliff began to sweat.

“What if we let you put a wall of dicks in the members’ bar?”

Walsh immediately stood, straightened his immaculate full-dress ceremonial military uniform, and smiled: “Turn the goalposts into dicks, too, and you’ve got yourself a deal.”

More to come.