Man That Saved 20pc Deposit Before Paying Off His HECS Reckons Albo’s Fucking With Him

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A tired bag of shit from our town’s leafy French Quarter says he’s starting to take it as a personal attack after the Albanese Government announced sweeping reforms to help first-home buyers.

After spending the better part of a decade living off cup noodles and Aldi lagers, 34-year-old Connor Bate finally scraped together the $120,000 deposit needed to buy a one-bedroom flat in Betoota’s beating bohemian heartland, a proper shitbox with rising damp and an uninterrupted view of a carpark. And that was just the start. He then had to cough up $24,000 in stamp duty to the Queensland Government for the privilege of ownership, another $1,700 in mortgage registration and transfer fees, $2,500 in legal fees for a conveyancer to edit some PDFs, $3,500 for building and pest inspections so a bloke in dirty button-up shirt could tell him the place might have concrete cancer, $1,200 in body corporate levies before he’d even moved in and $1,800 for mandatory insurance so the bank could “feel comfortable.” To even get that far, his mortgage broker suggest (forced) him to clear out his $25,000 HECS debt, a debt he’d been chipping away at the Abbott Government’s first term because apparently no bank in this country trusts a millennial with a tertiary education.

But just twelve months later, Connor’s learnt that Albo has not only wiped chunks off student loans with the stroke of a pen, he’s now letting every lazy piece of shit in the country snap up a shitbox apartment for just a 5% deposit.

“I traded my entire 20s for this. I didn’t go to Europe, I didn’t go to Splendour, I didn’t even buy, wait for it, a fucking avocado for 11 years. I lived like a monk so I could own 41 square metres of asbestos sheeting, inside a development called “DiVer City” and now some bloke who’s been slapping bongo drums on the university quad for the last ten years can get the same thing with a 5% deposit? Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck this government,”

“If I’d just waited twelve months, I’d be tens of thousands ahead. It’s like Albo has a personal vendetta against me. Like he’s sitting there in Canberra going, ‘fuck Connor in particular.”

Connor says while he should feel some pride in having achieved the Great Australian Dream, he instead just feels like he’s been honey-dicked into taking part in this egregious property ponzi by the government, the banks, and the timing of his own birth.

“I did everything they told me to do. Study hard, get a job, save a deposit, pay off your HECS. Now apparently the rules have changed. I’m fucked. My apartment has even gone down slightly in value thanks to the interest rate cuts. What is the point of this life?”

More to come.