“Make Sure You Point Out How Unkempt They All Looked” Mike Baird Tells Fairfax

9 March, 2016. 15:45

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

NSW Premier Mike Baird has told Fairfax Media to please downplay the amount of people who marched through Sydney city today in protest against “War On Youth” – it has been confirmed by unpaid interns who realise they will never be real newspaper journalists.

After an estimated estimated 10,000 people marched against Sydney’s lockout laws, and the extreme overlegislation of music, Mike Baird received phone calls all morning from Hillsong sleeper cells who were relaying the offensive puns seen on several of the signs.

“Just say there was only 2-5 thousand of the c*nts” Baird said to several high-ranking Fairfax editors.

“I want a front page in the Herald tomorrow pointing out how feral they all looked!” he demanded.

“I thought I had shut down all the art schools. Where do all these homosexuals sinners keep popping up from?”

Legislation requires central Sydney venues to turn people away from 1.30am, serve last drinks by 3am and ban the sale of takeaway alcohol after 10pm, laws that Mike Baird has created in consultation with his pentecostal bretheren who don’t like seeing young women in short skirts after dark.

“These fuckers have got a hide!” he roared.

“Should I post something on social media?”

“I really need to lay low until the I’ve signed off on this contract to give Wentworth Park to Hillsong,”

Protestors say the laws are killing off the city’s nightlife, with venues being forced to close and hundreds of jobs disappearing.

An independent report, which was handed to the state government in September, recommends a two-year trial in which the 1.30am lockout and 3am last-drinks measures are relaxed for live entertainment venues.