Local Man Wonders If Any Of His Mates Would Enjoy A Cold Schooner Of Piss This Afternoon Or Are They Too Limp-Wristed Like The Albanese Government’s Response To Chinese Warships Conducting Live-Fire Exercises In The Tasman Sea When They Should’ve Just Sen

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local business strategy consultant has today extended a casual invitation for beers while also calling for an immediate declaration of war against a global superpower.

“Just putting feelers out,” said Trent Biddles, standing in his air-conditioned home office in Betoota Heights and refreshing a group chat labelled ManJam.

“Few beers at The Royal later maybe? Or is everyone too bloody limp-wristed like this Albanese Government and their softcock response to hostile foreign naval activity in our waters?” said Trent.

The 38-year-old, whose job consists almost entirely of saying let’s circle back in Zoom meetings and emails, had earlier caught the tail end of a Sky News segment about Chinese warships conducting live-fire exercises in the Tasman Sea, which he took as a clear act of war.

“If I was running things, I’d have sent a couple of those new subs out there to give ’em the hurry up. Sink a destroyer. Show some ticker. Drown a few naval conscripts. Get the next war underway and give the economy the shot in the arm it needs,” said Trent.

“Wars fix everything. No more interest rates. No more landlords crying poor. Just conscription, ration cards, and full employment,” said Trent.

At time of press, none of his mates had responded to the schooner invitation.

“Typical. This country’s gone soft. Won’t be long before we’re all speaking Mandarin and working in the lithium mines,” said Trent.

“No beers then, you wankas!”

More to come.