Local Man Lies To Childcare Worker’s Face In Telling Her His Kid Has Never Bitten Anyone Before And This Is Very Out Of Character

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local father has today stood in the foyer of a suburban childcare centre and delivered a lie so barefaced it could have been written on the side of a campaign bus.

Daniel Pistachio told staff at the French Quarter Early Learning Centre that his daughter Cashew, 3, had “never done anything like this before” after being informed she had bitten another child during outdoor play.

The incident is believed to be the third recorded biting event involving young Cashew this term alone, not including an unconfirmed attempt during last week’s music time.

“Oh, that’s very strange,” Pistachio said.

“She’s usually so gentle. Must’ve been overtired or something. Or that other kid deserved it.”

Educators say they have heard similar statements before.

“They always act surprised,” centre director Kylie Watson said.

“They look concerned, maybe crack a joke, then leave pretending their kid isn’t a biter.”

Sources close to the family confirmed Cashew has previous form, having sunk her teeth into both parents, a cousin, and the neighbour’s dachshund during a barbecue in August.

“Look, she’s three,” Pistachio said.

“She’s passionate. That’s all it is. She’s got a big personality. She’s Italian on both sides. We are biters.”

At the time of publication, Pistachio was seen nodding solemnly as the lead educator explained the importance of “using gentle hands” before quietly suggesting the other kid probably bit her first.

Cashew has since been placed under close observation.

More to come.