Local Man Grateful For No Reception Now That Life Has Stuff Worth Escaping From

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A rare moment of serenity has today swept through the cabin of QF652 from Betoota Remienko to Perth, after the captain announced the aircraft’s WiFi “had shit itself.”

What would once have been met with groans from corporate drones trying to download the latest episode of Young Sheldon while still on the tarmac, in the year 2025, been greeted with a collective sigh of relief.

That includes 34-year-old insurance broker, Daniel Hanrahan, who said the forced disconnect from both emails and family group chats was exactly the break he needed.

“Mate, you have no idea how good this is,” Hanrahan told our reporter, who he was sat next to.

“If I can’t get reception, then I can’t be asked to do anything. Nothing can be asked of me. I’m a ghosr. No emails. No favours. No problems. No nothing. It’s just me, a lukewarm Boags and three hours of silence.”

Passengers across the cabin were observed sinking deeper into their seats, as though a great weight had been lifted. Some stared blankly at the seat-back in front of them. Others listened to music and pretended they were in a movie.

For the first time in recent memory, a full plane to Perth was united by the absence of push notifications, bank balance alerts and calendar invites.

However, just as the cabin lights were dimmed at ten K’s above Earth’s crust, the fragile ecosystem was shattered when one young father, seated at 17B, finally gave in to his toddler’s demands.

With the iPad volume cranked to an anti-social volume and Bluey’s theme song bouncing off the overhead lockers, Daniel received another cruel blow. A low battery tone in his noise-cancelling headphones.

“God has abandoned me,” he whispered.

More to come.