Kim Jong-Un Transforms Into Woman To Score 99 Goals Against Matildas In Perth

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

North Korean state media has today confirmed that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un personally accounted for 99 of the 100 goals in the DPRK's commanding victory over Australia in last night's Women's Asian Cup quarter-final in Perth.

According to the Korean Central News Agency, the Marshal voluntarily transformed himself into a female shortly before kick-off, a process described by state broadcasters as "borrowing one of the few useful innovations from the decadent and depraved Western world."

The Supreme Leader's opening goal, a 45-meter volley struck before most of the crowd had found their seats, reportedly caused three Australian defenders to drop to their knees in reverence.

KCNA reports the remaining 98 goals came in rapid succession, with the Marshal scoring at an average rate of one every 54 seconds, pausing only once to offer a cool drink to a small child in the crowd and enjoy two cigarettes smoked end to end during a Matildas stoppage.

Australia's sole contribution to the scoreline came via captain Sam Kerr, who KCNA says "buckled under the sheer radiance of the Supreme Leader's presence" and turned the ball into her own net in the 9th minute as an involuntary act of submission.

The result means the DPRK will progress to Tuesday's semi-final, where the Supreme Leader is expected to play again despite Pyongyang confirming he has already been named the tournament's Golden Boot, Golden Ball, and Golden Glove winner.

Attendance was reported by KCNA as 4.7 million.

More to come.