Julian Assange just wants somebody to come over and play FIFA with him

10 December, 2016. 14:23

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PERSECUTED AUSTRALIAN-BORN activist Julian Assange revealed to The Advocate this morning that he’s was bored enough last week to make himself his own character on FIFA 17 and one for soon-to-be-former US president Barak Obama, which he spends most of each game slide tackling.

He’s also taken the Socceroos to World Cup Glory on Legendary, something that only a small number of extremely dedicated fans have been able to succeed.

But for all his success, the 45-year-old Cowboys supporter just wants another bloke to come over with some Barbeque Rings and a block of Milton Mangoes and play some FIFA with him.

“Mate, I’m pretty fucken [sic] bored to be honest,” explained Assange from the window sill. “Yeah, but nah, joog. I’ve got this cat but he doesn’t talk much and I can’t really speak Ecuadorian or whatever pig latin these blokes speak. I just want another Queenslander to shoot the shit with, you know brus?

Earlier this week, Assange released a number of documents via WikiLeaks that he hopes will clear his name in Sweden, where he faces questions over an alleged sexual assault of a woman.

“Mate, this is like JT at the Sharks all over again. I’m getting set up. But yeah, mate. Gotta get a few boys around the christen this new pad. Fire up the PlayStation mop the floor with them. Then maybe we can get grilled or something. Anyway, boorie. Send help! [laughs] Fuck I’m bored.”

This is a developing story.

With additional reporting from The London Evening Standard