Indoor Cat Colleague Earnestly Peruses Wine List At Shit Pub

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local marketing creative director who has not voluntarily entered a licensed venue since 2003 was today spotted at The Criterion Hotel, grimly clutching a laminated wine list like a man reading his own autopsy report from beyond the grave.

Darren Pask, the 51-year-old indoor cat, made the unprecedented public appearance following his agency's successful acquisition of the Repco account, a win significant enough to override his clinically-held position that pubs are "for wankers".

Witnesses report Pask briefly mimed vomiting upon discovering the venue stocked both Wirra Wirra and Squealing Pig Rosé, before composing himself and ordering a Coopers Pale with the grim efficiency of a man selecting the least bad outcome.

The retching, sources confirm, was not a joke.

"He was genuinely distressed," said one junior staff member told our reporter in the smoking pokies of the Criterion this afternoon.

"That's what made it funny. Hey Errol, can you get us some coke?"

The incident has reportedly done more for Pask's workplace relationships than two years of mandatory team-building exercises, with subordinates now describing him as "oddly likeable", which is a characterisation Pask remains completely unaware of, as he has his back to all of them and is counting ceiling tiles.

He will leave at 6:47pm.

More to come.