Unemployed Man Surviving On Snowy River Pies Says It’s Not As Good As He Thought It’d Be

ERROL PAKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local man’s long-held fantasy of living off frozen pies and sleeping in has officially lost its shine, just over a week into what he describes as “a forced sabbatical.”

Brendan Carmody, formerly employed at the Betoota Tourism Information Centre, is now without work, money, or a working digestive system, after sustaining himself almost entirely on Snowy River meat pies.

The break from employment wasn’t planned. Carmody was dismissed late last month after a violent incident involving a grey nomad and the disabled bathroom behind the town’s heritage windmill display.

“I performed a lawful citizen’s arrest,” he told The Advocate.

“He was caught red-handed with two rolls of toilet paper and one of those soap dispensers with the little nozzle. I’d do it again.”

While the retired Melbourne real estate agent was in fact found to be stealing supplies from council property, Carmody’s employer took issue with how enthusiastically he intervened.

“He bit him,” said a council spokesperson.

“Repeatedly. He also headbutted the gentleman, which we’re told is not part of the official procedure. He placed this elderly man in a rear naked choke and nearly pop his head off his shoulders. All the blood vessels in his eyes burst.”

Carmody was stood down the next day and later told not to return. Since then, he’s spent most of his time horizontal, working through a bulk buy of meat pies and staring at his phone.

“I always thought if I lost my job, I’d live like a king,” he said.

“Microwaving pies whenever I wanted, catching up on my shows. Instead, I haven’t had a bowel movement for 5 days and people on the internet say that I’m eating slow racehorses and not beef. This sucks.”

His long-suffer flatemate Dennis told our reporter the microwave has been running nonstop for days and that Brendan has begun using the cardboard pie boxes as makeshift plates and ashtrays.

Asked if he planned to look for work, Carmody said yes because his political mentor Joe Hockey said that the best form of welfare is a job.

“Being on the dole is fucked. You can’t do anything.”

More to come.