Ubers Surge To 88.7x After Police Start Roadside Testing For Cocaine In Affluent Local Areas

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

For a number of years, the residents of the leafy East Betootanese enclave of Betoota Links have enjoyed the unbridled privilege on not knowing they even had it.

But according to local police, some of that privilege has ended.

From last night, police from the East Betoota command began roadside testing for cocaine – as well as alcohol and illicit substances such as cannabis, methamphetamine and MDMA.

“Not a moment too soon,” said Inspector Gary Rowlands.

“For too long, you’ve got this bagged up yuppies driving about town and we basically had no way of stopping them, save for searching their person and car – which requires a warrant without probable cause,”

“But now, we can basically fuck these people up at our discretion and my discretion is to fuck these people up.”

However, in response to this police blitz on the under-educated, over-employed minority, German ride-sharing application, Uber [French word for ‘tuk-tuk’], has seen a surge in demand for their services.

With greater demand, comes tighter supply. With tighter supply, comes higher prices.

In fact, two local ‘smooth-boys’ told The Advocate that they saw prices surge as high as 88.7 times the regular fare – something they say is ‘utterly repugnant’.

Danny Kosche and Nick Maloush, both cereal [sic] entrepreneurs, lashed out at the pricing model of the tech start-up.

“This shit is not cash,” said Kosche.

“It’s fucking silver change. Yuck!”

Maloush was also scathing in his assessment.

“I don’t speak to reporters who went to public school. Go away.”

Danny Kosche and Nick Maloush feature in the upcoming documentary series Streets of Sydney: Season Two which is released tonight via their Facebook page.