Time Warp Detected On StairMaster As 30 Minutes Turns Out To Be 30 Seconds

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A groundbreaking joint study by the Betoota Polytechnic Schools of Sports Physiology and Astrophysics has uncovered a localised temporal distortion in the space-time continuum caused by the StairMaster.

The StairMaster, a cardio machine famed as the ultimate endurance test, has long been a source of dread for gym-goers. “It’s a device that punishes both body and soul, pushing even the fittest individuals to their breaking point,” said Dr. Wayne Carpenter, lead researcher from the School of Sports Physiology.

“Our subjects were absolutely convinced they’d been climbing for at least half an hour,” Dr. Carpenter continued. “But when they checked, just 30 seconds had passed.

Betoota Heights Fitness Centre regular, Annie Singh, participated in the study. “I swear I was on that thing for a solid 30 minutes — it was pure torture,” she exclaimed. “But when I looked down at the timer, I’d only managed 30 seconds. Are you kidding me?!”

“That’s when the team brought in the Astrophysics department, because it sounded suspiciously like a time warp.” Dr Carpenter exclaimed.

Astrophysicist Professor Linda Stokes suggested the intense cardio may be causing a local disturbance in the flow of time, creating what she describes as a “mini time warp.” “It’s as if the StairMaster generates a bubble where time moves at a different rate,” she explained.

“It’s possible that the intensity of the workout creates a time dilation effect, similar to what happens near black holes,”

“Though, in this case, the only thing being sucked in is your will to live.” Professor Stokes chuckled.