Rapture? Apocalypse? Who Gives A Shit! It’s Friday Afternoon And It’s Time To DRINK SOME PISS

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

While TikTok prophets and Facebook aunties spent the week frothing about the supposed Rapture and a “sudden stratospheric warming event” that was definitely meant to trigger the End of Days, locals in our cosmopolitan desert republic have opted for a more reliable coping mechanism. Drinking some FUCKING PISS this afternoon.

At precisely 4:59pm today, the existential dread of biblical horsemen and collapsing polar vortices was immediately replaced by the sweet burble of a Betoota Import Draught being poured in pubs all over town.

“Mate, if Jesus is coming back tonight, he better bring a carton,” said 38-year-old electrician, Darren Scargill, already three schooners deep.

“Because the other Gods certain won’t, that’s for sure. And if the apocalypse is on the cards, then that’s even more reason to start early. Nothing like a bit of existential dread to make a man thirsty.”

Scientists have confirmed that sudden stratospheric warming events do indeed have the power to make winter feel like summer, though they’re yet to establish a link with mass ascension or the Four Horsemen.

“We study weather, not Revelation,” one meteorologist said.

“And we still managed to fuck it up all the time.”

Meanwhile, pubs across the Channel Country have reported a run on midstrengths as punters prepare to either survive the end of the world or survive their hangovers tomorrow morning.

“Look, if we wake up on Saturday and the planet’s still here, we’ll deal with it then,” said one patron, swaying.

“Until that point, it’s piss o’clock. I’m getting proper fucked tonight.”

More to come.