Golf On The Second Day Of A Bucks Enjoyed By None

ERROL PAKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A silent procession of soulless young men meandered around the Royal Birdsville Golf Club last weekend, as the second day of Brad’s bucks trip delivered a level of suffering typically reserved for war time.

The trip had been carefully planned. The AirBnB was booked months ago. The group chat was spammed with tee times and reminders to bring collared shirts. There were also memes. Some in the went as far as suggesting that ‘golf is gay’ but would come along due to the fear of being left out.

But by the time Saturday morning rolled around, everyone wanted to go home.

The best man, a consultant physician at Royal Betoota Base Hospital, was the worst of the lot. He was the one that took the mirror down off the wall in the living room and put it on the dining table. He was the one who said they’d be able to find more bags in Birdsville. He was the one who lead the charge to sunrise. He did his entire stash of drugs that night.

The groom, who has never played golf and made that clear several times, was found dry-retching on a saltbush somewhere on the fourth. He described the experience as “hellish” and that he “he wants to go home”. He said the surprise strippers on the first night was not a very nice surprise.

The rest of the group were no better. One bloke pissed his pants on the seventh. He walked up to a tree to have one but forgot to take his cock out of his pants. He turned around and for a brief moment, there was some laughter. Another quietly peeled off after nine and went to the clubhouse for a club sandwich, gin and tonic and dunny pull.

Nobody ate breakfast. No one remembered sunscreen. Except for the groom’s Christian cousin, who was enjoying himself. He turned down the multiple offers of cocaine throughout the night, opting to have a few lines of ketamine and good sit on a bean bag.

They completed all 18 holes. Not because they wanted to but because they’d already prepaid. Both financially and spiritually.

More to come.