New Fridge Asks To Be Connected To The Internet For Some Godless Fucking Reason

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local man is seemingly at odds with his new refrigerator this morning after it asked to be connected to the internet for some unknown, godless reason.

Friday afternoon and with the fridge repairman pursing his lips in the kitchen, Mike Patch was delivered the news that his faithful appliance of 20 years was now fucked and the parts along to unfuck it make it uneconomic to keep.

So off he and wife Kate went to the Homemaker Supacentre in Betoota Heights later that day.

“We went to Bing Lee first,” he said.

“I like their ads on the radio. Good migrant success story and they’re usually not on you like flies on shit as soon as you walk in. But would it kill them to put a tie on? I’m making a big ticket purchase and the bloke’s there in an ill-fitting polo shirt telling me about how I’d need a plumber to install it and whatnot. Then we went off to The Good Guys,”

“They wanted us to pay cash so the millionaire owners can dodge a bit of take. How about you roll up those bank notes individually and poke them up my arse, Good Guys. So we went up the escalator to Harvey Norman and prepared to get ripped off like a good, honest, red-blooded Australian,”

“Anyway, the bloke was helpful and knowledgable and didn’t try to sell us bullshit warranty extenders or a roll of steak knives. But what that fucking tie-wearing cunt did say to us was that you can connect these Samsung fridges to the internet and watch recipes on the screen. Kate was sold after that, we couldn’t just get a fucking fridge, we had to get this one for fucking $6000,”

“So we get the thing delivered and had to take the doors off to get the fucking thing down the side of our townhouse and in through the back. We get in and turn her own and away we go. Keeps my cabanossi, VB and generic brand cheddar block nice and cold,”

“But Christ alive, I’m not long for this world. A fridge has no business being hooked up to the internet. I don’t need the good people at Samsung having a sweepstakes at Christmas time on when I’ll get colon cancer. Kate made strog last night, she’s been making it for 20 years but she had a recipe up on the screen last night just for the fuck of it. I also helped myself to the last VB longneck at about 9pm last night and the fucking cunt of a thing asked if we should order more! This fridge is trying to kill me. I can’t be having a 3-rack of VB longnecks of an evening, my liver would look like Richard Wilkins without his makeup on before long.”

Mike ended his exchange with our reporter by saying he lives in fear of other appliances “going cunt up” now.

“It’ll be the washing machine next,” he said.

“And then those cunts are Whirlpool will know how well I wipe.”

More to come.