Bloke Who Used To Gurn Through Multiple Disco Biccies In One Night Now Can’t Even Digest Milk Properly

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact

Hanging in his head in shame as he clutched his stomach, Hayden Durst couldn’t believe he was taken down with something as trivial as full cream milk, which was just one of the random health ailments that struck him in his thirties.

As someone who once subsisted entirely on a diet of processed meat, choccy milk and the cheapest, nastiest bottles of piss available on a uni student’s budget, Hayden’s iron stomach has taken a complete 180 – now, he only has to look at a bowl of ice cream and he’ll be squeaking out anal acoustics for a week straight.

Speaking to our reporter, Hayden says he’d been prepared for back pain and bad hangover but not this. Never this.

“Fuck me, how does this happen?” says a bewildered Hayden, “I used to gurn through several caps in a night and go for a run the next day.”

“I was on more drugs than an Ascot mum who’s been mildly inconvenienced, now a fucking chocolate covered bullet could take me out.”

Adding that he’s now not even able to do a line of coke without suffering an anxiety attack, Hayden says every thing in life that gave him joy is slowly being sucked away from him.

“Everything gives me the shits, literally.”

“Is this why all those thirty year old blokes take up running?”

“Because there’s nothing left to fucking do?”

More to come.