Bloke Who Started Selling Sourdough In Country Town Thinks He’s Jamie Fucking Oliver

ESSIE BURKE | Human Interest | CONTACT

Basic foods with a pretentious twist are being offered at extortionate prices on Betoota’s main street as a fast talking blow-in from South Brisbane opens the town’s first hipster cafe.

Justin Hampel, a 37-year-old wastrel with a trust fund and a bullish belief in his entrepreneurial skills, said he had “curated a menu which pays homage to traditional Betoota fare”.

Experts have branded the move “an expensive wank” – Deconstructed surf and turf and a legume-based alternative to chicken parmigiana are among the options on the menu, sources close to the venture told the Advocate.

In an exclusive sit-down interview, Mr Hampel said the menu is “subject to seasonal variation” and most items are “gluten, nut, egg, dairy and sugar-free” because “most people have an allergy, even if they have no medical evidence to support it”.

“I just want to be fully transparent with the supply chain. It’s gotta be organic.”

Lifetime Betoota resident Rusty Fitzsimons said: “It is an expensive wank.” – But the Betoota Chamber of Commerce said it welcomed any attempt to prise cash from passing trade.

“In today’s globalised world, dickheads with food fetishes are more mobile than ever and you never know when a busload of latte-sippers will roll into town,” a spokeswoman who asked not to be named said.