Local Bloke Forced To Ride A Guangzhou Gelding After Blowing The Bag Again

ERROL PAKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local bloke who overestimated both his personal resilience and the Australian winter has today been spotted silently suffering on a cheap e-bike.

Ryan Gillett from the new Dingleberry Estate in Betoota Heights was seen this morning hunched over the handlebars of a budget Guangzhou gelding, making the slow climb up Green Street Hill into a punishing Simpson Desert headwind.

Sources say the bike was purchased late Sunday afternoon from a Facebook Marketplace seller who wanted cash only. Ryan had no choice.

“My third DUI in four years. It’s either this or walking and I have short legs plus a long torso. I’m no Dinka, walking is not for me,” he told The Advocate.

“The magistrate said if she saw me again, she’d put me in the clink! So I’m not driving. Not even a few cheeky late night cruises. Nothing. She said getting done high range on a Tuesday afternoon is beyond helping. Anyway, the nearest bus stop is an hours walk so I might as well fucken ride to work. I’m just glad I listened in school so I don’t have any tools to take with me. If you’re a tradie who drink drives, you have white dog shit in your head where your brain should be. Seriously.”

The e-bike, described as “lightweight” and “foldable” in the ad, has already started to lose power in anything under 12 degrees.

“It’s as foldable as a boogie board,” said Ryan.

“But I should’ve done this in summer when the wind’s warm. Could’ve had the sun in my face and be able to ride home in the daylight, instead of on the side of an arterial road at 5pm in pitch darkness while people hoon past at 145kph throwing cans full of piss at me.”

He has since confirmed he’ll be doing Dry July, but only because he physically can’t afford a drink.

More to come.