Bar Staff Rush To Help Man Whose Hands Are Obviously Too Tiny To Carry Four Schooners At Once

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When Bob Hawke explained to parliament in 1988 that the most emasculating thing a bloke could do is ask for a drinks tray, he meant it.

Since then, carrying four schooners of full-carb beer from the bar back to the boys has been a life skill passed down from father to son, mate to mate. But for one effeminate Sydneysider, the task of ferrying the four piss jars back to the long table has always been impossible.

“I have tiny hands,” said Patrice Everesté, a private wealth manager from Sydney’s Upper East Side. “The boys always hang shit on me when I come back from the bar with a tray, like some sort of girl.”

Not being able to carry four schooners has taken a significant toll on the 29-year-old’s self-esteem, as his friends simply will not let up on the insults and personal criticisms.

“They ask me if my boyfriend likes my little hands,” he said. “I’m not gay, by the way. But you know, it’s 2016 and there’s nothing wrong with being a petite-handed boy-kisser. Plus, I hate beer. I’d rather just settle in with a nice bottle of Mudgee pink and people watch.”

However, just when things were beginning to look up for the soft-handed nice guy, one of his mates noticed that he also had comically small feet.

Explaining to The Advocate that he doesn’t really care that Patrice has size-seven feet, drinking friend Joe McCombmac stated categorically for the record that he thinks Everesté has “cute, but petite feet” and “weak little hands that couldn’t even open a tin of soup.”

“Yeah look, mate,” said McCombmac. “I know we always rouse on Pat about being a little gay boy who can’t carry four schooners and having the feet of a child, but he’s a pretty good bloke and tells ripper yarns. I understand he’s pretty good at his job,”

“They must have a tiny keyboard for him to use [laughs].”

More to come.