Woman With Self-Diagnosed Internal Bleeding Relieved To Remember Last Night’s Beetroot Salad

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

For about 43 minutes this afternoon, local girl Ellie Redbog was preparing to get her affairs in order, after recieving a near terminal self-diagnosis.

What little assets she has to her name were already mentally grouped together in a will for her nieces and nephews.

Her pet Labrador Bruno was going to be sent to live with her ex-boyfriend that helped raise it as a puppy and was actually considered a equal-part-owner until their break up several months ago.

However, the most heartbreaking element to this fatal news is the fact that she had been trying so hard to get healthy over the last few months. And for what?

All that exercise and rabbit food, only for her internal organs to miss the memo. There’s a concerning crimson hue in her stool. And it’s all over red rover.

Ellie thinks back to last night’s dinner. A pretty good meal as far as plant-based, carb-feee dieting goes – but in real life, it’s pretty bland.

“Beetroot, bean & feta salad” she says.

“That’s not what I want as my last meal”

“Actually”

“Oh shit”

“Never mind”