Report: Zoodles Fucking Suck

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

A recent report has found that the apparent carb-free ‘substitute’ for pasta is actually not very good and quite shit.

The obscure vegan invention of Zoodles, as they are known to the health freaks who pretend they are just as good as a 5000-year-old Italian cuisine, are noodles made from zucchini.

Zoodles are used in place of pasta in low-carb, gluten-free meals. They are made by spiralizing a zucchini into long, thin strands, which apparently creates a texture and shape similar to spaghetti.

And they suck, according to anyone who is being truthful about their experiences with those watery and flavourless food.

Culinary sociologist Dr. Greg Wallace from Betoota Polytechnic says that those who claim to enjoy zoodles aren’t even lying to themselves, because anonymous surveys show that most people would honestly just roll the dice with a gutful of carbs rather than trying to steam thin sloppy strands of bland squashlike fruit, and then use them to ruin a perfectly good pasta sauce.

However, when it comes to maintaining an image of health-consciousness, certain members of the community will commit to the act of being big fans of zoodles.

Some pro-Zoodle supporters have even been known to say things like ‘I barely notice the difference because they taste the same’

These kinds of comments are not only insincere, but also broadly incorrect.

In reality, the report finds, that any meal with Zoodles is basically a colder and less tastier version of a stir fry without rice.

Zoodles fucking suck, finds this undeniable report.