Local Saffa Retires To His Secret Second Living Room To Sulk About The Weekend’s Sporting Results

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Local South-African-Australian, Eugène Terre’Blanche (43) has not been this disappointed in his home country since certain shifts in the political landscape forced his family to suddenly migrate to Perth in 1994.

30 years later, and he’s not longer a teenage boy sitting in a Qantas jet with emeralds and rubies duct taped to his armpits. But he is still just as South African as he’s always been.

And it hasn’t been easy for South Africans over the last 48 hours.

First, his beloved Proteas lost the T20 cricket international in Cairns – after being confidently dismantled by a much sexier and competent Australian side.

Then, on Sunday morning, The Springboks got absolutely put on the bitch by a superior and battle-ready Wallabies – who clawed back from a 22-0 scoreline to defeat the yarpies 22-38.

And the bad news came in threes, after Chechen UFC star Khamzat Chimaev dominated the Great White Hype of Pretoria, Dricus du Plessis, across five consecutive rounds to claim middleweight gold in the UFC 319 main event.

It was an awful weekend for Eugène, and his fellow Saffa countrymen living throughout Australia in gated compounds that remind them of back home.

Eugène hasn’t left the house since. He’s chosen to work from home today, because he cannot stomach the ‘so-called banter’ that will be thrown at him by his Australian colleagues.

Instead, he’s decided to retire to his secret second living room. It’s the room his visitors never get to see, or even known about.

It’s the happy place that reminds him of the peaceful and exciting land he used to call home, before foreign influences destroyed it by insisting that every person deserved the right to vote – no matter how uncivilised or uneducated they are.

While surrounded by the wall-to-wall taxidermy of large African land animals, and zebra skin rugs, Eugène is free to sulk as much as he wants without being further antagonised by his coworkers at the head office for a privately listed childcare giant.

“Een swaeltjie maak nie ‘n somer nie” he scowls in his native tongue.

“[One swallow doesn’t make a summer]”