Local Man’s War Against Capitalism On Hold Until He Reports His Earnings To Centrelink

27 April, 2016 09:35

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33-year-old Marrickville man, Ryan Minto, has put his dreams of smashing the bourgeoisie on hold, until he can prove he is actively seeking employment.

In order to receive this week’s Newstart Allowance of $255.25, the heavily opinionated underachiever must prove that he has applied for ten or more unskilled labouring positions and notifies Centrelink that he has not made any money in the last fortnight.

“I want capitalist heads on stakes. But, I’m not going to fuck around with the online reporting, it’s too complicated,”

Between living on the couch in his estranged mother’s garage, and the couch in his childhood friend’s media room – Ryan says he reads a lot of non-Murdoch news.

“There’s so much they aren’t telling us,”

“My dad has stopped talking to me.”

When he’s not spruiking his own public policies online, Ryan plays the ‘protest rock’ band ‘Howard You Do It”.

“I’m sick of these developers and capitalist pigs. I just need a couple bucks to get me through ’til next week and then I’m moving to a farm up north,”

Close friends of Ryan say he quite often refers to, what they believe might be a made-up, agricultural commune in Central Queensland. His bandmate Jeremy says nothing ever comes of it.

“He’s alway got a plan but every time he gets his cheque he buys a case of Coopers Red and a pouch of Champion Ruby. That’s about as far as he gets”

“He really wants to save the world, but some ideals are best saved for online forums,”