KNEECAP Agrees To Truce With English Imperialists For Duration Of British And Irish Lions Rugby Tour

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Despite being hauled before the UK courts on terrorism charges, the firebrand Irish rap trio KNEECAP say they are willing to pause their lifelong campaign against British colonial imperialism for the next three months.

Just as long as they are all agreed on who their common enemy is. Those bastard Australians.

Starting in 1888, the British and Irish Lions Rugby side has long represented unity between the historically divided countries on either side of the Isle of Man.

Combining the best players from England, Ireland, Scotland, and Wales – the Lions will be touring Australia until late August – as one team.

Not only is it an opportunity for the backwater commonwealth countries to test themselves against the best of the strongest rugby nations in Europe, but it also provides historical enemies with the opportunity to cheer together.

While the south of Ireland may have achieved republic status since this team’s earliest incarnation, and Scotland and Wales have achieved autonomy in their own right, all five nations remain somewhat committed to the notion of touring as a united exhibition side every four years.

And it appears this diverse fanbase also includes some of the most radical anti-colonialists in Ireland.

While performing to a crowd of more than 30,000 at Glastonbury Music Festival yesterday, the Belfast rap group KNEECAP caused extreme confusion after hitting the stage in dark red tracksuits that were emblazoned with symbols of British imperialism.

With the English rose on their hearts, KNEECAP urged the distressed fans to hear them out.

“Doon’t get it tweested” said frontman, Móglaí Bap.

“It’s steel up the RA everee dey”

“It’s steel free free Palesteen”

“But unteel the end o’ the Ly-uhns tour of Austraylia, we will be cheering wut-eva roogby siyeed has Irish blood rooning through it’s backlayne”

The crowd appeared to understand this temporary truce in the name of sporting victory, but fellow KNEECAP member Mo Chara went further in his effort to hose down any suspicions that they may have sold out to the Crown.

“un when ow-a boys return victorious from defeeting those basterd Aussies on their home soi-eel. We weel end this unceremoneeous marriage of conveenieeence”

“Jus be patieent”

“”Tiocfaidh ár lá”

“Our day weel come”