Australian Journalists Furious Albo’s Covid Diagnosis Means They Have To Give Him A Few Headlines

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

In the closest thing that could be considered a positive news story, Opposition leader Anthony Albanese has tested positive to COVID-19.

These revelations have resulted in furious shouting and sighing in commercial network newsrooms right around the country, as journalists realise they must now disobey their corporate oligarch owners and publish headlines about Albanese that aren’t strictly painting him as a bumbling communist who wants to turn Australia into a Muslim transgender utopia.

Mr Albanese said he would continue his responsibilities at home in isolation for the next 7 days, but was feeling well so far, not that anyone in the media cares about what he has to say unless he’s mixing up ever-changing economic statistics during press conferences of rapid fire gotchya questions.

It is not yet known if Peter Costello and Rupert Murdoch are aware that their jackboots have broken protocol by giving the Opposition Leader a couple headlines not related to how fucking stupid he was to overshoot the unemployment rate by 1%

While the coverage of Albanese’s health issues are relatively balanced, it is believed newspaper editors around the country are wondering if they can get away with an ‘ALBOSNEEZY’ headline.

This comes after ‘the devil you don’t know’ spent Thursday campaigning in the seat of Gilmore, on the NSW south coast, after taking part in a leaders’ debate in Brisbane last night.

Journalists are currently furiously researching his campaign schedule over the last 24 hours to see if he visited any aged care homes, with the hope that he might’ve murdered some elderly pensioners with his runny nose.