“Have You Seen This Japanese Dude In The American-Rules Cricket?” Office Sports Guy Says Of Shohei Ohtani

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Some guy who does something with a computer in town in return for money has spoken of Japanese baseball star Shohei Ohtani and how we’re all privy to a “Bradman Moment” but just in the American-rules version of our only true national sport.

To his surprise, some of Jem Goink’s coworkers had seen some highlights.

Goink works in strata and strata management, as do many of his colleagues. Also, as most of them are also middle-class white guys, who grew up in a stable home in the suburbs, with parents who are still married and enjoy each other’s company, who are extremely harmless and harbour no controversial opinions like deporting all migrants who don’t drink or smoke, but who put long-legged multis on various sports nobody cares about, they absolutely love American sports.

“Yeah mate, I saw that game when he got the 10 strikeouts and the 3 solo homers. Pretty wild. He’s like Cameron Green but Japanese and a baseballer. Like, he can do both,” said one fellow strata person.

“It makes you wonder, like, is there a cricketer out there who can do everything? Imagine if Gilly could bowl decent leggies? Or genuine express pace? We all know he can smack fuck out of anyone, especially Monty Panesar, Hoggard and that fucking Mahmood bloke they brought out here in 05. We know he could keep a wicket like a bucket holds keeps water. But yeah, if Gilly could’ve bowled, like chucked the gloves to JL and let himself go wang and take like 300 Test wickets, he would’ve been better than Bradman. Bradman was good to watch but you’d hate to be on the piss with him. Like, imagine taking Bradman to the pub and he gets super wasted and just becomes everyone’s problem. You’d rather Keith Miller and his mad yarns about potting Princes Margaret and dropping bombs on Nazis. Pissa yarns from Keith,”

“But yeah, makes you wonder when cricket is going to get their Shohei Ohtani. Jacques Kallis maybe. He was a weapon.”

More to come.