Guns N Roses Announce Tour Down Under For People With Too Much Money And No Fucken Ears

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Ageing rock outfit Guns N’ Roses have confirmed they will return to Australia later this year because they have run out of money, announcing a nationwide stadium tour specifically targeted at people with several hundred dollars to spare and absolutely ears that are fucked and don't work anymore.

The legendary band, fronted by vocalist Axl Rose and guitarist Slash, are expected to play a string of massive venues across the country, with tickets forecast to start somewhere around the cost of root canal from a third-rate suburban dentist.

Industry insiders say the tour is likely to attract tens of thousands of bored men aged between 38 and 58 who have not listened to any new music since roughly 2004.

Local man Darren Whitely, a 54-year-old rock dawg, says he's already preparing for the gig despite his wife repeatedly reminding him they’re supposed to be cutting back for retirement.

"Mate I saw them in ’93 at the old Sydney Entertainment Centre," he said.

"Best night of my life. Axl absolutely shredded it. I saw someone do a backflip off the Pyrmont Bridge and he fucken landed on some cunt's boat! Shockin!"

When asked if he'd heard any recent live recordings, Whitely paused briefly before responding.

"I don't care if Axl sounds like Kyle Sandilands after he's taken the fire escape to level 30, Slash is still riffin' like a champ-yon!"

Concert promoters say they’re confident the band will deliver a more memorable performance than last time, when the band made fools of themselves. That's provided Axl Rose is "having a good night" by the time the band reaches Sweet Child O’ Mine.

Meanwhile, thousands of middle-aged men across the country have begun quietly warming up their vocal cords in preparation for the national singalong to Paradise City, a ritual that will occur roughly 45 minutes after they all collectively realise that Axl Rose might not quite sound the same as he did in 1991.

However, fans remain optimistic.

"Look I don’t care what anyone says," Whitely added.

"If Slash walks out with that top hat and they play Welcome To The Jungle, I’m in. But if Axl has a tantrum, I'll have a pocket of 20 cent coins to throw at him."

More to come.