Grumpy Old Bastard Asks, ‘Are We in America?’ as Halloween Decorations Appear In The Neighbourhood

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Retired light merchant Gary Doolan has demanded to know whether 'his' French Quarter has become an American territory this week after neighbours began installing Halloween decorations.

The 67-year-old made the rhetorical inquiry at 8.15am this morning, moments after discovering an inflatable skeleton standing peacefully across the road.

"Are we in America?" he asked those in earshot.

"We never had this rubbish when I was a kid. Now everyone's got to copy the bloody Yanks."

The former Beacon Lighting franchise owner said the display represented an unwelcome foreign influence on a rue where people previously "just got on with it."

Neighbour Jess Martin, who put up the decorations with her two children, confirmed she had not intended to upset the old bastard but clearly had.

"It's a pagan celebration," she said.

"I know that, you know that. Everyone on the street knows it. It's just a bit of fun. That old bastard doesn't want nobody to have any fun."

Doolan rejected that explanation, insisting the issue was bigger than one inflatable skeleton, although he remained unable to identify a second issue.

He also warned that children might knock on his terrace house door expecting something for nothing.

"It's the entitlement that gets me," he added.

"We had to earn our candy back in my day. Everybody wants a bloody hand out these days. I expect Albo and Jim to come by and make me empty my retirement savings into a plastic bucket as well!"

Despite threatening to ignore Halloween entirely, Doolan has already checked the offending display four times.

He is now preparing a sign explaining that he does not participate, which neighbours plan to politely respect.

More to come.