Government Assure Public Everything Is Within The Rules Which Is The Most Fucked Part

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The nation has this week learned that the Federal Government's defence of its circus relies on a single magical phrase. Everything is within the rules. According to Canberra, this is supposed to make everyone feel better. According to the rest of the country, it is the clearest sign that the rules are fucked and need changing.

The latest offender is Minister Anika Wells, who used almost $3000 of our money to fly her husband and kids to a Thredbo ski weekend. The event was tied to a Paralympics program but the family reunion conveniently took place at one of the most expensive holiday destinations in the country. The ministerial defence is that the rules allow it. And they do. The public response is that the rules must have been written by pigs.

Wells and the PMO also signed off on a New York business class trip that cost us over $100 000. The blowout was caused by a "late rebooking" which apparently means even a disposable policy advisor is promoted to business class. Most Australians cannot get their fucking boss to reimburse a taxi from the airport. Meanwhile, a minister can accidentally spend the cost of a small townhouse on a work trip and still be told she has done nothing wrong. Which she hasn't.

And she is not the only one who has worked out how loose the rulebook is. Julie Bishop once clocked a taxpayer funded day at the Portsea Polo which has never been convincingly described as essential work. She also used entitlements to fly her weird boyfriend around the country like a travelling head-of-state, even though his job was to hold her handbag and stand next to her at cocktail parties. Sussan Ley was decent enough to resign after using a taxpayer funded trip to inspect an investment property on the Gold Coast she then purchased, from a Liberal Party donor. Her defence was also that she technically did not break any rules. And she didn't.

These examples reveal the central farce. The entitlement system has been designed in such a way that almost anything can be deemed official business. Family reunion travel is not used for catch ups or genuine hardship. It is used for the AFL Grand Final. It is used for the Boxing Day Test. It is used when a minister already wants to be somewhere nice but also wants someone else to pay for it. They all do it and it's bullshit. To say anything else is an affront to the intelligence of the average putner.

There is no rational explanation for why the spouse of a politician should be reclining in business class, sipping champagne at public expense. Put those dorks in the back of Boeing and give them a voucher for Hungry Jacks. Ministers make over $400 000 a year, they can afford to fly their handbag holders anywhere. There is no reason their children should be flown to ski resorts. If anything, fly the minister home. Flying the whole Brady Bunch out to a Grand Final doesn't pass the pub test anymore. There is no justification for Comcars to sit waiting outside sporting events for hours while the meter ticks over. There is certainly no reason for taxpayers to bankroll the social calendars of people who already earn more than almost everyone they represent. Yet they all do it and it's allowed.

Every single minister is entirely replaceable and history has proven that. They aren't special people. They aren't smarter than you. They don't have some talent that you don't have. They're largely unimpressive people who've fallen up and found the path to a high paying job that requires zero qualifications. Most of them aren't even qualified to work the omelette station at a Balinese resort, let alone run of portfolio. For decades the political class has claimed these perks are essential to attract good people to public life. Where are they? We're trying to attract honey bees with wet dog shit. So far, we've only got flies. Somehow every other profession on earth manages without flying partners around the country and pouring them into corporate boxes.

At time of publication, the government once again assured Australians that everything is within the rules, which is precisely why the public now believe the rules themselves are the most fucked thing in Canberra.

More to come.