“Fucken Albo” Says Bloke Who Would’ve Already Died On An Iranian Battlefield If Dutton Had Won The Election

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

A man who has only just gotten his licence back after being caught for high-range drink driving in December 2023, is today outraged that he might have to start catching the bus again.

27-year-old Barney Knockers (landscape gardener, Betoota Heights) could realistically walk to his job at the new Betoota Base Hospital build each morning, but his ability to sleep through alarms has recently seen him driving 5 minutes to and from work.

But now the government is saying that he should think about taking public transport, which is what he used to do, when he was disqualified from driving for 24 months because he got behind the wheel after putting away 12 schooners of full strength with the Thursday topless waitresses at the Toots Tavern on that fateful evening two years ago.

"Fucken Albo" says Barney, who personally blames the Prime Minister for the global oil shortage caused by a regional war in the Middle East that is blocking a crucial shipping channel.

"What's next? I need to show ID at the bowser?"

"Deadset this bloke is so shit"

As a 27-year-old with no dependents and a girlfriend who has been waiting two years for him to propose, Barney says he's just as exposed to this supply issue as anyone else who works in critical industries.

However, what he doesn't realise is that if this current war was taking place in 2019, 2014, or 2006, he'd probably be getting a knock on the door from a representative of the Federal Government's Selective Service System, who would be assessing both his physical strength and just how 'critical' his job was.

"Australians are such fucken morons" says Barney, as he laments the nation's decision to re-elect Anthony Albanese in May last year, rather than former Liberal Party Defence Minister and self-confessed Trump loyalist, Peter Dutton, who would have most likely drafted every able-bodied heterosexual under 40 and sent them to die in Iran 6 weeks ago - if only Australia had given him a chance.

"This government is useless"

"Name one thing they've done"