Friendly Christian Kid Swears Oath To Uphold The Ancient Traditions Of The Red Frogs Ahead Of Schoolies Onslaught

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local school leaver from our town’s Heights district has sworn an oath to the ancient traditions of the Red Frogs this morning for the three weeks of pure hedonism known as Schoolies.

Meredith Bryce, a dedicated member of the evangelical Church of the United Christian Kingdom (CUCK), took the sacred Red Frogs oath this morning inside the Surfers Paradise Meriton, vowing to uphold their “ancient traditions” of hydration, pancake flipping, and electrolyte distribution for this year’s Schoolies Week.

Armed with her freshly ironed Red Frogs t-shirt and a satchel packed with glucose-laden supplies, Meredith declared, “It’s a sacred duty. Schoolies is a spiritual battlefield, and I’m here to wage a war of kindness, jelly snacks, and, if necessary, hand-holding.”

The Red Frogs oath, an annual tradition since 1997, requires pledging to “safeguard the dignity of Schoolies attendees, deliver jelly snacks at dawn, and ensure that no one tries to swim when they’re shitfaced.”

This year is the first time, however, the Red Frogs will be armed. Each has received training in how to operate a Glock 17 and they have been granted permission by the new Crisafulli Government to conceal carry.

Meredith, undaunted, recited it flawlessly, vowing to uphold the “Pancake Commandments,” which include never skipping the syrup and always flipping for those in need.

Schoolies attendees seem split on the Frogs’ mission.

“Honestly, those Frogs are lifesavers,” said Kyle from Brisbane.

“Last year, my brother got pancakes at 4am, saved his night.”

Others, however, find them intense.

“They woke us up last night, knocking on the door to see if we wanted lollies or some weed” said Emily, an unimpressed school leaver.

With a final whisper, Meredith joined the movement officially.

“Time to do the Lord’s work, one pancake at a time. Or die trying.”

More to come.