Fisheries Confirm A Stubbie Is The Offical Yardstick By Which All Yabbies Must Be Measured

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Federal Office of Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry announced today that the standard stubbie is now the official measure of a yabbie, taking much of the previously necessary guesswork out of it.

A legal yabbie must be at lease as long as a stubbie’s thorax, the thicker and wider part.

The taking of a female yabbie is now illegal and rangers will be allowed to hand out on-the-spot fines to people not complying with the new rules. Rangers are also allowed to gaffa tape poachers to a tree and flog them with lengths of poly pipe until they agree to never do it again.

Agriculture Minister Julie Collins said the department has been working hard to make sure yabbies are there for future generations.

“Most people who go yabbie trapping have a beer with them, or an empty in their car,” said Collins.

“All we ask is that you take only legal ones, the big strong boys and leave the rest. Also, make sure they’re platypus safe. No trapping east of the Barcoo or Macquarie!”

“And if you do catch a platypus, don’t just throw it back in the creek. You take the fucking thing home and you fucking eat it! Cut the poison bags out and gut it. You gotta skin it but leave the bill on. Cook it like you would a rabbit, plenty of garlic and thyme. Don’t look at me like that, you’re the fuck head who didn’t make sure their yabbie trap was platypus safe,”

“Preheat the oven to 200. Drizzle the thing with olive oil, and rub salt and pepper into it. Roast for about an hour, not too much or else you’ll fuck the whole thing and’ll have to start again. Once it’s done, pull it out and let it rest. Serve with roast potatoes and seasonal greens.”

More to come.