Experts Agree: Anyone Who Joins A Political Party Before They Turn 30 Is A Fuckwit

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact

Samuel White-Kelly from Indooroopilly in Brisbane’s south-west, says he is not concerned about being liked by his high school peers.

The 16-year-old is occasionally “flushed” and very often “noogied” by bigger classmates, however, it seems no one cares. Not even him.

“It’s because of me being me. But no one does anything about it. The teachers think I deserve it. I’ll show them one day… This is my coming of age”

But why is Samuel such a target?

Samuel is a vocal member of The Young Labor Party.

“Kids can be mean, I cop a lot of heat for just being me… I’m outspoken about my affinity for the Young Labor and union movements, so of course I get beat up a lot.”

Samuel’s parents say they were originally concerned about the reoccurring black eyes and torn school uniform, but quickly understood it was just part and parcel with their son’s interest in being a politically outspoken sixteen-year-old.

Bruce White, Samuel’s dad, initially thought his son was a victim of hate crimes.

“I originally thought he was copping all these hidings because he was gay or something, so I went straight to his principal. She assured me that my son was not gay and that no one picks on gay people these days anyway,”

“She did clarify that my son is just a dork. A political dork, which is the worst kind,”

“When I was his age I didn’t even know who the Prime Minister was – the kid is showing no signs of wanting to be a normal kid… I leave full bottles of rum out in the open… In the hope that he will steal them from me”

“The kid doesn’t want a bar of it, he would rather watch Q&A”

“It might be just a phase but if the kid doesn’t stop it with the rallies and marches – he’s going to be a virgin for a very long time.”

Samuel claims his love for politics is not contrived, and that he has plenty of time for girlfriends when he is in power.

“All that can come later, I just need to finish high school, get a law degree, get a job as political staffer in Canberra for fifteen years… and then pretend I have spent my entire life working”

“These idiots will never understand, I will be in charge one day”