PM Vows To Redirect Sub Funds To Something Just As Pointless Like Public Housing If AUKUS Fails

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has confirmed that should the AUKUS security pact collapse, his government remains committed to reallocating the $368 billion submarine budget to something equally unaccountable and pointless such as public housing.

The announcement follows US President Don Trump questioning the future of the trilateral subamarine agreement, which was initially designed to secure peace in the Indo-Pacific by acquiring nuclear-powered submarines so we can sink Chinese warships if they put the dog up Taiwan.

Speaking from Parliament House on this morning, the Prime Minister said that while AUKUS remains a cornerstone of Australia’s defence posture, contingency planning is underway.

“In the unlikely event that our trusted partners walk away from the table, we will ensure the funding continues to deliver minimal short-term results with maximum long-term debt,” he said.

“Whether it goes to Virginia shipyards or some state-run housing authority that takes ten years to build a few shitbox apartments near enough to a train line, the outcome will be equally invisible to voters. It’s about getting bang for our buck. The true believers know that.”

Senior Defence officials are reportedly comfortable with the shift in strategy, noting that the administrative burden and budget blowouts associated with public housing construction are “comparable to a next-generation submarine program.”

When asked if the reallocation might provide tangible relief to those locked out of the housing market, Treasurer Jim Chalmers said it was “far too early to speculate on whether any homes would be built.”

Opposition Leader Larissa Waters criticised the announcement, warning that a pivot to public housing could make the lives of people who are genuinely fucked much better.

More to come.