PM Tony Abbott unveils “Labor dirt file” during National Press Club address

2 February, 2015. 13:30

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THE Prime Minister says he’s in possession of a “Labor dirt file” and plans to use it to discredit the opposition when parliament returns next Monday.

Uncovered by staff at the National Library of Australia, the “secret dossier” contains details of party infighting and dissent among both cabinet ministers and backbenchers.

Mr Abbott says the portfolio offers a rare and contemporary insight in to the current workings of the Opposition.

“This book was handed to me by my Chief-of-Staff over the weekend,” said the PM.

“It’s contents are very disturbing – it shows just how unqualified the Labor party is,”

“Once the coalition makes this material public under the Freedom of Information Act 1982, nobody in good conscience would vote for them.”

Leader of the Opposition, Bill Shorten says that the information that the government has claimed to have “uncovered” was already publicly available.

Shorten says this could prove to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back as it’s been revealed today that the Duke of Edinburgh turned down Abbott’s Knighthood, stating that he has no interested in accepting an “Austrian” honour – because “those bastard’s gave us nothing but ghastly chocolate and Hitler”.

“I implore the prime minister to republish The Latham Diaries,” said Mr Shorten.

“First he decides to give the Duke of Edinburgh a knighthood – who then confused us with Austria,”

“Maybe I should just take the kids skiing in Japan for a few weeks? He’s doing my job for me.”