“I got all up in this shit by drinking instant coffee”: Turnbull tells all

15 May, 2017. 10:23

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The Prime Minister broke his silence on the housing crisis this afternoon by explaining he owes everything he has in life to a instant coffee.

Malcolm Turnbull said he’s never been a fan of a bespoke cup of java, often electing to dose himself up with a strong International Roast or Moccona.

“Do I look like a fuck head to you? I grew up in Watsons Bay, back when it was rough. Paying some dribbling under-employed anthropologist a few bucks for a coffee was the last thing I’d be doing,” he said.

“Rather than spend my money on more exotic things, I’d have a smashed grapefruit on toast while I read the papers in the morning. Another thing that helps with getting a leg up in life is being clever, which I am,”

“If you are dumb and throw shit in a skip for a living, you probably won’t be my neighbour any time soon. But yeah, back to what I was saying. I got all up in this shit by drinking instant coffee.”

The PM then went on to explain how regular people end up like him – with enough power and riches to last ten lifetimes.

“By hard work and a fuck tonne of luck,” he said.

“That’s basically it.”

More to come.