‘Everything (*Cough) Is Okay (*Cough) People Need To (*Cough) Relax’ Says Scotty From Marketing

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT

In a somewhat disjointed press conference this morning, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has issued a plea to the nation of Australia.

Speaking from what he describes ‘as the best city in the world,’ Scotty from Marketing hacked through a short but sharp address on the bushfires.

Following nearly 2 months of being Missing In Action as Prime Minister while the Eastern Seabord burns, Scotty explained everything is going to be okay.

“(*Cough Cough Cough) Everyone needs to (*Cough Cough), excuse me, Everyone needs to just (*Cough Cough Cough),” he continued before being interrupted by a hacking fit like an emphysema riddled battler in the Tab section at 11 am on a Saturday.

Peering through the smoke he continued.

“Everyone needs to calm down a little,” he burst out before breaking into cough again as a result of the smoke blanketing the city which is twelve times higher than hazardous levels causing chaos for the 5 million people who live there, and even more for the people who live outside it where the fires are ripping through.

“This is fine (*Cough) and perfectly normal. Weather (*Cough) events happen like this all the time.”

“Now if you don’t mind I’ve (*Cough) had a headache come on (*Cough) so I’m going to head off now.”

“Let’s all forget about these (*Cough) fires, and get ready to cheer the boys on tomorrow in the cricket,” he finished before breaking into another coughing fit and spitting out a giant lump of flem on to the ground.