England Captain Ben Stokes Criticises Inclusion Of Ray Shoesmith In Australia's Ashes Squad

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

England captain Ben Stokes has expressed outrage at what he believes to be the inclusion of a known contract killer in Australia’s Ashes squad, saying he was “appalled” that “such a homicidal maniac” would be picked for any cricket team, “let alone a national one.”

Speaking to reporters in London overnight, Stokes said he had recently watched the documentary series Mr Inbetween and was stunned to learn that its central figure, Ray Shoesmith, had not only avoided arrest but had now allegedly been rewarded with a Baggy Green.

“I’ve seen the footage. The bloke’s murdered half of Sydney,” Stokes said.

“You can’t just sweep that under the carpet and send him out to open the batting. I don’t care what his average is. That’s not cricket.”

Australia’s 15-man Ashes squad was announced this morning, featuring Tasmanian opener Jake Weatherald, the first Darwin-born player to be in contention for a Test cap since Damien Martyn. However, Weatherald’s resemblance to Shoesmith, the stoic, cold-eyed hitman from the dark comedy-drama, has triggered confusion among the British press and, apparently, their national captain.

Stokes said the inclusion of “a known murderer” sent the wrong message to young players.

“You can’t have someone like that out there. I've seen him kill people! I got banned for defending myself outside a nightclub, and this bloke’s got a highlight reel of public executions. The ICC, or BCCI, needs to step in before someone gets hurt,” he said.

Cricket Australia moved quickly to clarify that Ray Shoesmith is a fictional character portrayed by actor Scott Ryan and that the man selected for the Ashes is, in fact, Jake Weatherald, a left-handed batsman with over a decade of first-class experience and zero confirmed kills.

Selector George Bailey said the confusion was “unfortunate but not entirely surprising.”

“Jake’s from Darwin, which makes him just that perfect amount of fucked in the head. Tough and smart. He’s got that thousand-yard stare, and he’s not much of a smiler. But to our knowledge, he hasn’t shot anyone,” Bailey said.

Despite the clarification, Stokes has refused to back down, claiming that “the footage speaks for itself” and calling for a full ICC inquiry.

“You don’t just ‘act’ that level of evil,” he said.

“It’s in his eyes. You can tell he’s done things. Horrible things. And now he’s in the slips with a cricket bat.”

The misunderstanding has dominated English headlines, with one tabloid claiming Australia’s new recruit had “links to multiple homicides and one of the Edgertons.”

Meanwhile, Australian fans have largely enjoyed the confusion, saying it’s refreshing to see England rattled before a ball has even been bowled.

The first Test begins in Perth later this month, with Stokes warning that England “won’t be intimidated, even if they’ve picked a hitman.”

More to come.