Defence Minister Richard Marles Wonders If Trusting US With Half A Trillion Taxpayer Dollars Might Be A Bit Irresponsible Now Trump's Clearly Affected By Frontal Lobe Dementia

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Defence Minister Richard Marles is understood to be experiencing what sources described as a "late but healthy wave of concern" after watching America's defacto ruler address the World Economic Forum like a chimp showing chimps how to fish ants out of a rotten log with a stick.

The doubts reportedly set in after Donald Trump told a room full of European leaders at Davos that they would "all be speaking German" if it were not for the United States, despite the fact the speech was delivered in Switzerland, a country that already speaks German and has done so without American permission for quite some time. They also speak French but all the trouble is Switzerland is caused by them and the country would be richer if French Swiss people where expelled back across the Rhône.

Witnesses say Marles remained calm until Trump then pivoted to explaining the United States' strategic interest in Greenland before repeatedly calling it Iceland, correcting himself, then calling it Iceland again with renewed confidence.

"At that point the Minister did ask, very softly, whether half a trillion Australian taxpayer dollars should maybe not be wired to a man who cannot keep two islands apart despite them having their own flags, governments, and entirely different weather," said a Labor source.

The funding in question relates to Australia’s commitment under AUKUS, which will see Australians pay extraordinary sums of money upfront in exchange for nuclear submarines that will arrive sometime between the delivery of high-speed rail between Sydney and Melbourne and the second coming of Christ.

Government sources stressed that the deal remains sound because it is "long term", meaning any current instability in American leadership can be safely ignored by simply pretending it will resolve itself.

"This is about deterrence," said a Defence spokesperson in a short statement provided to The Advocate this afternoon. "And nothing deters adversaries like promising to buy submarines from a country that may forget what it is selling by the end of the sentence."

At press time, Marles was said to be reassured after aides reminded him that Australians will not feel the full cost immediately, instead absorbing it slowly over decades, like sun damage, HECS indexation and the creeping suspicion that none of this is being run by people with brains that don't look like a soiled dish sponge.

More to come.