CSIRO Report Unable To Conclude Where These Lighters Come From

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Australia’s peak scientific body has lashed out at the powerful propane lighter lobby today over their continued silence regarding the origins of a certain type of lighter.

The CSIRO apologised profusely to the Australian public today in a Canberra press conference for wasting their time and money on such a fruitless endeavour.

“Two years and AUD$60m later, we still don’t know where these lighters come from,” said CSIRO researcher Paul Colon.

“Not even the guys from ASIO we have lunch with know. These lighters seem to appear from nowhere and there’s nobody in the government who can explain where they come from and who makes them,”

“I’ll be real with you, there’s more chance we find MH370 than find the source of these things.”

Our reporter spoke to The Advocate’s Sports Editor, Imran Gashkori, about these lighters because for some reason he’s got one.

“I went to the pub last night with a Bic,” he said.

“Now I’ve got this thing. It is what it is, then you die. It lights darts, so what?”

More to come.