Meat To Bread Ratio On Hens Package Charcuterie Board Absolutely Maddening

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact

A hens party has been left feeling less than impressed this weekend, after a charcuterie board included in their $99PP package had a severely distorted meat to bread ratio.

Compiled of a few slabs of cheese, prosciutto, mortadella and what arguably looked like packet ham, the board only offered up a few tiny pieces of sourdough and two pathetic breadsticks.

A very impassioned bride to be rants to The Advocate about her experience.

“I am so fucking sick of charcuterie boards with like, three tiny pieces of bread”, scoffs Theo Langford [32], “bread is cheap?”

“The chef said that the ‘meat is supposed to be the main star’, and that apparently authentic charcuterie boards don’t have any bread at all.”

“But to be honest, I don’t give A SHIT. Give me at least a 60% ratio of meat and cheese to bread and crackers.”

Taking a small sip out of emotional support water bottle, Theo admits she doesn’t fuck with ‘authentic pizza’ either.

“It’s the same as pizza from Italy. Oh yay, sauce and cheese, maybe some tomato and oregano.”

“It might be controversial for me to say this, but I much prefer our bastardised version of pizza. Give me multiple types of meat, mushroom, olives…jalapenos.”

“Stuff my crust!”

“And we do parmigianas better too. Slice of ham? Fucking genius.”

“It’s time for Australia to update the charcuterie board and give us what we want.”

More to come.