Canavan Shoots Bolt Upright In Bed After Nightmare Where He Never Stopped Being A Worthless Leftie

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Brand new Nationals leader Matt Canavan has reportedly woken in a cold sweat overnight after experiencing what party sources are describing as the worst nightmare he's had since the one where they shut down Tahmoor.

The Queensland Senator, who was elected leader of the National Party this week, is understood to have shot bolt upright at approximately 3:15am this morning after a vivid dream in which he never grew out of the University of Queensland socialist scene and instead spent the next two decades attending rallies, growing his hair out and arguing about yankee imperialism and the warped, over-academic interpretations of John Birmingham's work at share house dinner parties in West End.

"He was screaming," confirmed the hotel's night manager.

"Just yelling 'THE SHARE HOUSE FRIDGE IS A TRAGEDY OF THE COMMONS AND THE BROWN COUCH IS A SYMBOL OF SHARED PROLETARIAN SUFFERING' over and over."

Sources close to the new Nationals leader say the nightmare was particularly distressing because of how plausible it felt. In the dream, Canavan reportedly never had his falling out with the International Socialist Organisation in the early 2000s, the event widely credited with setting him on a path from self-described communist to Australia's most prominent champion of Victorian-era technology.

Instead, dream-Canavan was last seen wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt, working part-time as a drug and alcohol counsellor at the Emmanuel City Mission and maintaining a Substack about late-stage capitalism that had eleven regular readers.

The Senator is understood to have calmed himself by reading the Minerals Council's latest quarterly outlook and reminding himself that he is, in fact, the leader of a political party that exists primarily to ensure regional Australia never runs out of diesel.

More to come.