Brothel Lighting In Gym Clear Indicator Membership Won’t Be Cheap

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT

A new report has found that brothel lighting in gyms is often a clear indication that membership won’t be cheap, and that the class will likely be held by a slightly impatient gay bloke who doesn’t have time for stragglers.

These findings were conducted by Dr. Ben Harper, the professor of sports science at Betoota Polytechnic University, who found a direct correlation between gyms with red lighting and expensive gym memberships.

In fact, Harper says lighting is often the clearest indication of a gym membership fee, with the brighter and more fluorescent often an indication of a more affordable gym.

He speaks with our reporter Effie on this fascinating phenomenon.

“If you walk into a gym and it looks like something straight out of the red light district, honestly, just turn around”, says Harper, “because you’re about to get fucked.”

“Red lighting is probably going to set you back up to $120 a week. If it’s more golden, which is favoured by pilates gyms and yoga studios, expect up to $80.”

“If it has the same lighting as a Kmart dressing room, it'll likely be a bit cheaper.

When asked what else is an indication of an expensive gym, Harper doesn’t even hesitate to answer.

“They won’t have a water bubbler. It’ll either be one for water bottle refills, or just no water station at all.”

“That, or if it’s covered in celebrity artwork, especially hip hop artists.”

“If there’s a picture of Tupac on the wall and everyone in the gym is white, it’s going to cost you an arm and a leg.”

Harper goes on to explain that these ‘millennial burger joint’ style gyms not only cost a fortune but probably won’t offer a back breaking workout either - especially if it’s a boxing or martial arts gym.

“A boxing gym should smell like a fermented ball sack. Ideally there should be windows and zero air flow. And if you’re foolish enough to use the resident boxing gloves, it should feel like you’re placing your hands into a wet armpit.”

"The stronger the stench, the better your workout is going to be and the cheaper the membership.”

More to come.