Uber Door Slowly Closing On Woman’s Lower Back Most Action She’s Had In Months

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT

A local woman has gotten up close and personal with an Uber car today after experiencing months of no action, it’s reported.

Nessa Tanner is said to have embarked on a life of involuntary celibacy after casual encounters left her feeling emotionally drained.

It’s alleged that Nessa had raised her standards of expected behaviour from suitors when she suddenly found herself without a single person to entertain – which has resulted in a healthier state of mind, but has also been incredibly boring.

This constant battle between pursuing a deep and meaningful connection and having a fuck it attitude is understandably difficult, as biology doesn’t give a shit about mental health.

But with all things considered, Nessa was said to be doing pretty well for herself until a fateful run-in with a car door, which left her rethinking her new ideology.

“I was getting out of the Uber and turned around to do the obligatory seat check”, says Nessa, “when the car door slowly closed on me.”

Describing it as a ‘playful pat’  Nessa admits the car’s flagrant display of affection had left her feeling slightly confused.

“Yeah, I don’t know if this whole celibate thing is worth it to be honest”, says Nessa.

“Nothing wrong with a root and boot.”

“Maybe I should just lean in and channel my inner Samantha Jones.”

More to come.