Trump Suggests Regime Change At Northland Shopping Centre

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

US President Donald Trump has issued a stark warning to the management of Melbourne’s Northland Shopping Centre, declaring the suburban retail hub “a hostile regime” and a “hotbed of terror” that may require military intervention.

Speaking from the White House in the wake of a coordinated US airstrike on Iranian nuclear installations over the weekend, the President confirmed his administration is now “actively considering options” for a similar operation in the northern suburbs of Melbourne.

“In a single operation, we ended Iran’s nuclear programme. We ended their reign of terror over the Middle East. If we need to, we can do the same thing for North Melbourne in destroying Northland.,” said Trump.

“We’ve got the B-2s. We’ve got the precision payloads. Beautiful bunker busters. We can put two stealth bombers over the place by lunchtime and blow the whole place to bits. It’ll be raining flaming Anko winter staples all over North Melbourne.”

The President described Northland as “a shithole shopping centre,” pointing to poor lighting, frequently non-functioning escalators and what he claimed was “a terrorist-affliated paramilitary force” stationed near the illicit tobacco outlet.

“There’s no law. No order. It’s just people with machetes and bad haircuts and people driving the cars through the mall. We can’t just sit back and let this spread. If it gets all the way to Fountain Gate, we might have to consider a ground operation.”

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese is expected to support any US-led action, but only after Northland has been vapourised.

More to come.