As cinemas continue to battle for relevance in a world of streaming, Marvel Studios have given their audience a strongly worded ultimatum. 

Nearly 15 years after Iron Man (2008) proved superhero movies could be more than something only an awkward 13-year-old could love, Marvel Studios now hold numerous box office records with a new release in cinemas or on Disney+ seemingly every 40 seconds.

As a result of this caped saturation, even most of the ardent comic book fans are beginning to feel the fatigue of a shopping list of IPs coming at them with the force of a million notes from production about how that bit will need to be edited out for China.

To combat this, Marvel Studios have told fans with certainty that if they do not see the next movie they sure as shit won’t have any idea what is happening in the next one.

“We’d like to make movies that stand alone but we’d much rather you go to the movies out of a feeling of obligation or religious observance rather than because you actually want to watch the movie,” stated Marvel president Kevin Feige.

“All you need to do is watch the six part TV series on Disney+, see the previous one, rewatch the others, and then maybe you’ll understand whatever is happening in this movie. And you need to understand the next one to understand the next one and so on and so forth like you’re stuck watching a soapie. Deal with it.” 

“And you know what, fuck it, watch some Star Wars content while you’re at it as well.”

“And stay until the end of the fucking credits to. We’ve got a shit hot actor who we’ve got trapped in a multiple movie deal cameoing as a lizard-dicked fella who none of you saddoes have ever seen on the big screen before. It’s gonna be the best day of your miserable lives.”


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